Blue Humor
by MassHysteric
Summary: Tonight, performing at the Citadel Benefit Spectacular, kicking off her 'Don't Hold Your Breath' galactic tour. She's sultry, she's sassy, she's… available! The hilarious Eion D'Solios!


Blue Humor

Since playing Mass Effect and experiencing its universe, I've occasionally wondered: what might comedy in the future be like? What would be funny to both humans and non-humans? The Cerberus Daily News feed website has offered up a couple of examples in the past and they helped to inspire this fanfic. The following captures an asari comedian's routine just after the events of Mass Effect 1. As the title implies, the dialogue does get saucy. No one under 17 admitted without adult supervision. But it's an asari, so you're still too young!

_Tonight, performing at the Citadel Benefit Spectacular, kicking off her 'Don't Hold Your Breath!' galactic tour. She's sultry, she's sassy, she's… available! The hilarious Eion D'Solios_!

The performance hall lights faded and a spotlight beamed onto the stage as the audience applauded. A light blue skinned asari wearing a micro headset and a white bathrobe shuffled on, shielding her eyes from the light. The hand she is using has a pair of handcuffs dangling from it. As she stopped at center stage to regard the audience, she acted as if she was unaware that she was due to put on a show.

"Wooow, that's a whole lotta people," she said as the hall fell quiet. "Listen! If you're all here about the noise, I'm realllly sorry! I've been meaning to soundproof my place… wasn't like anybody was being killed or anything…"

"It's just me…" she chuckled. As she took in the audience more, her expression grew more anxious and then suddenly turned to recognition.

"Ohhh! You're not the neighbors! Well, in that case…"

The asari removed her robe and let it fall to the floor. She was wearing a close fitting dark blue dress with plumage running across her right shoulder. The lower half of her dress was titled to show off more of her right leg. Her overall figure was svelte and curvaceous. Many in the audience whistled and hooted in approval.

"Hello, everyone… I'm Eion D'Solios, and as you can see…"

Eion shifted her hip to one side. She gestured her right hand around her face and then brought it down alongside of her in a seductive manner.

"The dress is Vesente, the shoes are Prada, the body is asari, and the handcuffs…" As she gestured with her right hand, Eion finally saw the handcuffs that many onlookers had noticed from the start of her act. She quickly hid her arm behind her in embarrassment.

"Oh, how'd those get there, heh heh?" She searched herself momentarily, then stopped and huffed.

"Damn, forgot the keys!"

Eion assumed a more casual posture and proceeded with her set.

"A lot of people ask me, 'How'd you get into doing comedy? Most other asari your age are dancing, stripping or signing up as mercs.' Well… I'm not really that graceful, I don't take off my clothes unless I'm on my third date… or really drunk, annnd I'm kind of a big coward around weapons! Besides… I'm a much better lover… than a fighter!"

Eion struck another amorous pose and winked. Once again, there was vociferous acknowledgment of her attractiveness. She assumed a neutral stance once more and pointed outward to the audience.

"And, uhh, speaking of fighters, Commander Shepard… here with us tonight…"

The audience stood on its feet, turned to face the back of the hall and gave a thunderous ovation. Eion applauded as well, nodding and smiling. She gave a tiny wave and mouthed "Hi" at the distant figure at the rear of the audience.

"Listen, honey," Eion began as the applause subsided, "I… love you! We all do. But I do have standards. The savior of the galaxy shouldn't look like a colonist's daughter, okay?"

Eion turned her attention to the audience at large.

"You've seen the vids. You hear about all these heroics… annnd you're expecting to see somebody stern looking… probably with scars, maybe a tattoo. Someone who just looks like a real hard charger..."

Eion made quote marks in the air with her fingers.

"Ya know… a 'BITCH!' Then you see Shepard, and I'm thinking, 'That face – you shouldn't be shooting guns, you should be running down some sandy beach in a white dress in some… feminine hygiene product commercial or something!"

Eion focused again on the distant seated figure that appeared to be enjoying the good-natured teasing.

"Ya know? I don't feel all that threatened… when I see that girl-next-door look you've got going on there!"

Eion cocked an eyebrow and shook her finger. "Ahh, but that's part of your deeeevious little scheme, isn't it? Lure them in… and 'Pe-oww!'" She then waved off her previous commentary and addressed the entire audience once again.

"But Shepard, she's just so awesome; so humble. You see the reporters and they're like…" Eion's voice took on a deeper, authoritarian tone. "'Commander Shepard, you've survived incredible odds, saved the Council and wet the dreams of many young Alliance cadets! How… DO you do it?'" "And she's all like..." Eion looked coyly out at the audience as she held a finger under her chin and swayed one foot. Her voice changed again to give an inflection common among humans who lived in the southern areas of North America on Earth. "'Mmmmmm… tweren't nothunnnnn…'"

Eion slowly paced towards stage left and stopped.

"I moved to Earth a few years ago… Humans are just amazed at the asari lifespan. Some of them gawk at me and they're like 'Duuuude… did you like, invent the wheel?'" she intoned in a California Valley accent. Eion rolled her eyes.

"It comes in pre-tty handy when you're waiting on line at one of their vehicle registry offices," she continued in her normal voice. "You know, you sit around, complete some crossword puzzles… create some crossword puzzles… order pizza… my number even-tually gets called, I clear off some cobwebs… push some skeletons out the way… and just prance right up to the window and go 'Look kid, I've been here since your grandfather. Now does it really look like I need to update my driver's license holo?'"

Eion palmed her side with her right hand and then held it aside of her face, pretending to hold an imaginary license. She put on an exaggerated grin and bugged out her eyes. Her eyes motioned to her right as she pointed to the imaginary card with her other hand and looked back at the audience. "That's not red dust – I'm naturally that happy!"

She slowly walked towards stage right.

"There's a lotta misconceptions about asari among humans…"

Eion then stopped and then pointed accusingly.

"The rest of us, too, let's not deny it! We DO have a very unique physiology that allows us to… telepathically… link our nervous systems to other beings for 'mutual stimulation' and to pass on their traits to our kids. Since it's all done with the mind, you don't need physical copulation, so asari CAN technically mate with anyone. So that gets people… thinking…"

She smirked and folded her arms.

"Perverts! You see an asari at the Presidium with a dog on a leash. And you're thinking, 'Is that her pet…" Eion made a see-saw motion with one hand, "or is that a reallllly kinky couple?' Ya know? Into the bondage thing?"

"I tried bondage for a bit," Eion snorted, "Leather costumes, whips, chains and all. Didn't work out. Was going with an investment broker at the time. Had trouble coming up with a good safe word to get her to stop… the 'torture.' And then one day she was going at it with the spiked paddle… I couldn't take any more and I just yelled out 'Baaaannnnk runnnn!' I never saw her again…"

Eion stood arms akimbo. "The bitch didn't even untie me! Which made for a realllly awkward moment when my landlady, my 120 year old human landlady, walks in to see what da LATEST racket is about. She sees me strapped down…"

Eion turned to her left and stood with her legs apart. She leaned over and put her arms out in front to recreate her bound position. Her head faced the audience as she explained further.

"Wearing nothing but a butterfly mask and a smile, and I'm 'Ha-ha-hiiiiiiiyy!'" she chuckled as she squinted and grinned at the audience that assumed the role of Eion's stunned landlady. Eion's head motioned to her two arms, her eyes never breaking contact "'Could YOU be a peach… and just a-a-a…"

Eion stood up straight and faced outwards. "She was a weird girl… my ex-girlfriend, not my landlady! She's a bit off, but not to the extent this leather-bound chick was! She was into op-era!"

Eion nodded assuringly. "Yeah! Get this: she actually used to sing while spanking me! In time to her singing, yeah!" Eion raised her right leg and proceeded to slap her inner thigh as she sang a nonsensical operatic verse in a surprisingly professional tone. "Praaada-chiiiino-noventooo prinnngless-docentooo-viiiddiii-bocellla! Frea-ky… I know – hello? She's got on a full bodysuit with a hood and nipple holes cut out! Like she's not… freaky… enough?"

Eion put her foot down and continued. "Every time she sang I would get nervous. I kept thinking any second the mafia was gonna bust in… start shooting up the place… everything would blow apart in slow motion. Damn gangster vids!"

Eion paused in thought for a moment.

"In a sick, sad way, that would make life more interesting. Something dramatic happens, like… you spill your drink, time suddenly slows down and you hear…"

The iconic strain from Pagliacci started to play over the performance hall's sound system.

_(Riiiiiiiiiidi, Pagliaaaaaaaaaaacciooooooooo!)_

As the verse plays out, Eion moved slowly as she pantomimed dropping a wine glass onto her dress. She slowly bent her knees and gripped and pulled the sides of her dress making an exaggerated sad face. Her head panned over the audience while holding this expression and the music suddenly stopped. Eion quickly reverted to normal speed.

"…A banking terminal wipes out your credit chit…"

The Paglaicci theme came on once more, continuing from where it left off.

_(Sul tuo amooooooreeeeee !)_

Eion faced stage left and slowly acted out pounding and kicking an imaginary terminal. She bent her knees slightly again and slowly extended her arms in front of her while giving a silent scream at the terminal view screen. As she brought her hands slowly to either side of her head, the music stopped. Eion turned to the audience, paused and cast her eyes down a moment. She looked upwards again.

"…You lay a fart that nearly kills everyone on the elevator…"

Pagliacci played over the sound system to finish out the verse.

_(Riiidiiiii del duoooooooool, cheeeeee t'aaaaavvelennnnnnnaaaa illl corrrrr!)_

Eion slowly put a hand over her mouth to cover her embarrassed smirk as her hip shifted to the left, her eyes looking on either side of her. She stepped to her right and acted out one passenger dry heaving. She then stepped to the left of where she originally stood and held her nose while pointing to her original position, shaking her head. Her face contorted because of the awful odor. Eion then stepped forward, slowly bent over to pick up what may have been an imaginary fire extinguisher and slowly proceeded to act out smashing open the elevator window. She then stepped over the elevator edge and waved her hands over her head as she dropped to her knees as the music ended – apparently the last passenger jumped off. Eion stood on her feet again and dusted off her knees. She paced back to center stage.

"Whoah, kinda strayed off course there!" she apologized. "Where was I, again? Oh, yeah, talkin' about how my species aren't really a buncha raging sluts…"

She pointed outwards, addressing herself in a sing-song manner, "Just YOOOOU, Eionnnn!"

"So… we can synchronize nervous systems, and when it's done right it can be a very beautiful and rewarding experience for both partners. You share feelings… "

Eion became a bit wistful.

"Thoughts… memories… no, there's NO danger of mind-swapping!" Eion snapped back to her more energetic self.

"That's just rumors… Buuut… I was seeing this human, an Italian for a little bit. Broke up with him… and for two weeks afterwards I had this craving for pasta… kept saying "Ciao" to random people on the street… and had this urge to call my mother constantly! Which is not exactly my favorite way to kill an afternoon! So, yeah, most of us just start out looking for some fun and then later for love. We've got a whole wide swath to choose from! Any species, any sex and…."

Eion's eyes scrutinized the audience. She began to fan herself with one hand.

"Wow, there are some GOR-GEOUS people here tonight!" she gasped and bit her fist. Her face began to gape with worry. She looked down on the stage floor and noticed there was a small railing along the outer edge of the stage. Eion lowered herself on to the edge of the stage. She then sat down and handcuffed herself to the railing.

Eion looked supremely relieved. "There! You're safe now!" she exhaled and proceeded on with her routine as she kicked her legs playfully.

"You know the BEST thing about asari sex?" she asked. "Easy cleanup – zero! You're joining minds; you don't even need to undress! But you know me, I likes it rough! So when I'm out in public and I'm in a nasty mood… and feeling pre-tty adventurous…"

She cocked an eyebrow "… I arm wrestle!"

Eion chuckled and remembered. "The first time I was ever offered high fives, by a buncha strangers… I couldn't handle it - I hadda hose myself down! I didn't know what a 'high-five' was then, I just thought 'Goddess, I don't even know these people and they wanna have an orgy right out here in the street! I'm movin HERE!"

Eion settled down and brought up her current situation.

"Right now, I'm between relationships but I'm not really alone. I have a little dog, a Chihuahua named Pepper…"

Eion paused, noting a tone and knowing snickering from some members of the audience.

"We're just friends, ALRIGHT?" she spat out in defense. "We have an understanding! I feed her, clean her and take care of her. She lets me dress her in whatever embarrassing outfit I think she looks cute in. So we're just friends…"

Eion's lips curled mischievously. "With benefits… anyway! I named her Pepper because she has a sinus condition that makes her sneeze when she travels. It's so cute! She'll sneeze, and jump!"

Eion snorted, shook her head and jumped back slightly in imitation of her dog. She snorted and jumped back twice more.

"One time, she was sneezing standing on a desk… I thought she was gonna fall off the edge! I kinda wanted her to! But right at that critical moment, she stopped and looked right at me!"

Eion scowled as her dog, wondering why her master was getting pleasure out of its torment, one edge of her mouth in a snarl. She added a growl for additional effect. Eion's expression then changed to one of mock happiness, her reaction to her dog's stare. She squinted and gave a little wave as she mouthed "Hi, Pep-per"

"She got me back, though. One day, a friend of mine convinced me to take Pepper to a zero-G dog walk… A zero-G dog walk…"

Eion leaned forward and placed her hands on her knees as she repeated her last statement, bowing in emphasis of each word.

"A zero! G! Dog! Walk! Am I the only one here that thinks this is a really STUPID idea?"

Eion straightened up and explained. "The promos all said 'To your dog, it's just like swimming!' NO, IT ISN'T!"

She acted out a swimming motion "See, when you're swimming… in water… gravity's still involved!" Eion pointed with a finger to further illustrate her point. "You're floating, yes, but there's up and down. Zero-G, no up OR down! And I learned something new about my dog that day. Traveling makes her sneeze and zero-g gives her gas! Poor Pepper was so nervous about which way was up, she started passing gas like no tomorrow! The silent ones! You knew she was farting when she flew in a straight line!"

Eion held a fist out in front of her and made it drift one direction. She then blew into her headset microphone and made her fist change direction. She repeated these actions two more times in rapid succession, then snorted and shook her head and made her fist travel in the opposite direction it was moving.

"Surprise, surprise, we got kicked outta there! But not because of Pepper…"

Eion paused again for dramatic effect. "'...Cause they caught me in the act!"

Eion rocked sideways on her hips and waved her free left hand in the air blowing into her headset microphone.

"Hey, I stand in solidarity with my friends! I wasn't gonna let Pepper get tossed out the airlock alone!"

Eion motioned to climb up on stage and then remembered she was still handcuffed. She shook her wrist in frustration.

"Aww, crap!" she exclaimed. "She looked around and waved her free hand for assistance.

"Uh, a little help here!" Eion huffed and started kicking her legs impatiently. "Cmooon, I gotta peeeee!"

An eager but self –conscious young stage hand eventually went to her side with a small key. As he tinkered with her handcuffs, she decided to flirt with him.

"Thanks, honey…. Whatcha doing later tonight?"

The stage hand responded, but his voice could barely be heard. He appeared flustered and at the same time tempted by Eion's attentions.

"Cmon, we'll have some funnn!" she teased him further and crossed her legs. "Just you, me… and my chi-wawa! We'll have a little contest, see who can howl the loudest! Awoooooooooooo!"

After some fumbled and labored effort, the stage hand was able to completely undo both ends of her handcuffs. The audience applauded. Eion leaned in and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. She then sprang back up on to the stage, running about and stopping to jump in the air waving her handcuffs about. The audience continued to applaud.

"FREEEDOOMMM! FREEEEEEDOOOOMMMMMM!"

She stopped on center stage.

"My name is Eion D'Solios - GOODNIGHT!"

The audience stood on its feet and it its applause reached a near deafening volume. Eion bowed and held her knees for a moment. She then popped back up and held her right hand aloft, acknowledging the masses. She turned to stage left, playfully crooked her left leg and strutted off the stage

END

Author's Note: In coming up with characters like Eion, many fan fiction writers, and writers at large, sometimes look to actors and actresses for inspiration. I found that Ali Hillis in her regular voice and presence was, for me, perfect to perform this material. Watching her on the Youtube vids, seeing the way she playfully flirted with interviewers and hamming it up at convention appearances - I find her adorable! Having already portrayed an asari doesn't hurt, either!


End file.
